Monday, March 31, 2008
MY TRIP AROUND THE WORLD
It wasn't a trip I wanted to take; there were no beaches or cocktail hours; and the only souvenirs I brought home are carved into my abdomen. And yet, I traveled far, saw things I'd never seen before. I learned more about the internal and external world than I have on any other trip I've ever taken. My love for friends and family has deepened and changed.
If I could go back and refuse the journey, I'm not entirely sure that I would. I'm not the same person I was when I entered the hospital for the first time on November 28th, and I don't think I will be her again. Her preoccupations are not mine. Her sense of time and priorities are different, too.
If you asked her why she wanted to live, her answers would have been theoretical, and would not always have been borne out by the way she spent her time, or the words that flowed from her mouth all too easily.
There's nothing theoretical about my reason for living now. I think before I speak or act now. Do those words, that way of thinking represent who I want to become? Is a given activity really worth doing or am I doing it because it feeds my ego or alleviates my fears?
In the past four months, I've spent a total of five weeks in the hospital. I shared both a room and many intense hours with unknown roommates from the U.S., China, Equador, Monseurrat, Cambodia, and Panama. I found some more congenial than others, but I learned from all of them.
If I had a choice, I would have opted for a private room, but these "strangers," each enduring their own hour of crisis, blessed me with their lives, their stories, their friendship--and above all their courage. They proved again and again that what we think we want--solitude and a chance to control our environment, is good; but rising out of ourselves and the narrowness of our lives is better.
"My" hospital was a teaching hospital, and I came to love the atmosphere of wild learning that pervaded the place. As one resident told me, everyone there was mentoring someone else. It was an atmosphere where no one knew so much that they couldn't learn from someone else; and no one knew so little that they didn't have something to teach.
That's the kind of world where I want to live; it's also the place within myself where I returned to at the end of my trip. If I have something to give, I want to give it--and without reservation. At the same time, I want to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open to all that I clearly have to learn from the mentors who startle me at every turn.
Judging from your writing, it sounds like you're feeling better! :)
Blessings and light Patry as always.
That you can learn such deep, life-affirming lessons in the midst of illness is a promise. And a gift to everyone who cheers you on.
xoxo
xoxo
Now I know why she sent me here this morning. I needed to read that and really hear and understand what you are saying.
I agree, you are having an incredible impact with your words. I will have to take a picture for you - my computer is covered with Patry quotes.
Here's to a beautiful, blissful Spring for all of us.
xo
Love,
D.
All these people here wishing you well? They love both. Because there aren't really two, you know, just one woman who grows and changes because she is still alive and that's what life is for.
And life is fantastic, isn't it? So glad you're still in it, groping through the big mysteries and little treasures with the rest of us and sharing what you find.
xoxo
With each post I read here, I am nourished and I am changed.
What a great question to ask ourselves. Really, a person could change their whole life by asking this question.
I am happy you sound so good. ;)
:)
I love your awakenings.
"my computer is covered with Patry quotes."
That just made me smile. Robin, Sue, Laura, Jessica, Patry -- how much do I love you guys?
(and along those lines, I hope you don't mind if I beg support for .
I am reminded of a friend in Atlanta, a designer who had AIDS before the treatment cocktails existed. He vacationed on Cape Cod for 2 weeks following some depression. He came home a changed man. He talked about bathing in the warm sun on the beach and re-examining his values. He said in facing his illness he had learned what was truly important in life. He saw, he explained, how often he had given attention to things which ultimately did not matter. As he faced this virus he said he came to see the inside of his own heart, found the core of his own life, gave birth to an awareness he had never known, one which changed his life for the better. He found levels of joy and peace and a full acceptance of all of life's twists which he had never before experienced. He told me how much richer his life was. He spent every moment occupied in ways which truly mattered to him after his vacation to the Cape. He changed my life. You have, too.
I am always so touched by your wisdom, your inner joy, and your tender heart. You are such a remarkable woman. I am so glad you came into my life. And, yes, to answer your question - you will indeed join me here again, and we will have tea in the garden. I can hardly wait...so get that body healed and get your traveling shoes ready!
I hope you are home for good now.
{{{Patry}}}
I just checked in recently and was sorry to hear about your surgery and the complications.
As someone who has also been through surgery recently (although not as difficult as yours), I feel for you. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.
Grace
Hope you are well.
starry night
hugging each other
against the cold
mud-splattered car
in the turning lane
another spring
shooting star
the things I do
for attention
thinking of you.
Links to this post:
<< Home
