THREE SUREFIRE WAYS TO FIND A LITERARY AGENT

Vonnegut Plaque, originally uploaded by ken mohnkern.

You can tell a lot about a person by locating the most dog-eared volume in their library. For some it would be the Bible or some other sublime spiritual text. Others would have worn out and marked a favorite volume of poetry, a classic novel or a work of philosophy.

Okay, I love those, too! (she says defensively.) But in my library, the most tattered ferociously annotated book---the one with the most coffee rings and wine stains, the book consulted in times of trouble, the single volume I've laughed about, shaken my fist at and wept over more than all the others is THE GUIDE TO LITERARY AGENTS.

If I'd applied myself to organic chemistry the way I studied the client lists and sales' rates of my Agent Gods, I would be a doctor by now. if
I studied poker manuals the way I pored over my precious GUIDE, I'd be banned from every casino in Las Vegas. But I wouldn't mind, I'd be rich as Croesus--whoever that is. (If I paid as much attention to classic mythology as I did to the names of the agents who made it to Publishers' Weekly's HOT DEALS, I suppose I'd know that, too. Well, you get the idea.

Anyway, after all these years of diligent study, I've never been awarded a degree or even a cheesy mail-order certificate. What I did get, however, was a literary agent. No,not only a literary agent--but the Right Literary Agent For Me. Not a bad deal.

I also got a title: World's Leading Authority on Finding an Agent. (She says humbly.) All right, I admit, there's plenty of other people who studied the same periodicals and guidebook, and know as much as I do. There are even some excellent websites on the subject. But here on my blog, I'm the Leading Authority.

I'm hoping the knowledge comes in handy, too. From what I've heard, the most common question asked of famous writers is "How do I get an agent?" No one's asked me yet, but if they do, I'm ready:

THE THREE SUREFIRE METHODS:

1. Write something good enough that people would pay money to read it. Then enroll in a first-class MFA program where Agent Gods actually come looking for new writers. (I never tried this one myself, but I've heard it works for a lot of people.)

2. Write something good enough that people would pay money to read it. Then ATTRACT an agent by publishing in quality journals. Amazingly enough, while writers are desperately searching for agents, agents are searching, too. Some very good ones avoid the slush piles and find their clients by trolling literary magazines for signs of promise. the years, I've been approached by some very fine agents this way. For various reasons, none of these ever translated into a contract for me, but it has for others.

3. Write something good enough that people would pay money to read it. Then use The Waitress Method of finding an agent. More on that tomorrow. (You didn't expect the World's Leading Authority to give up all her secrets in one day, did you?)