FIVE THOUGHTS ON: Tom Cruise

CATEGORY: Hmmm...sanity vs. madness maybe?

At least once a week something comes along that completely changes my life. This week, it was Technorati. (I'd provide a link but I'm sure everyone in the known universe discovered it long before I did--or at least knows how to find it.) Technorati's fun for a lot of reasons, but one feature that particularly intrigues me lists the most commonly discussed issues on the internet.

Now we all know there's a few significant issues going on in the world right now--wars, famine, nuclear proliferation, global warming to name a few. There's even a few amazingly good things happening, though they're much less talked about, and off the top of my head, I can't come up with one.

But what are people talking about? Tom Cruise. That's right. For weeks it's been Tom and Katie, Tom's appearance on Oprah, Tom's expert psychiatric advice to Brooke Shields. Oh, and don't forget, Tom helpfully reminding Matt Lauer that he shouldn't shoot his mouth off about things he's doesn't understand.

So having railed against the overabundance of all things TOM for the past two weeks, I now find that I have all these unauthorized opinions on the subject roaming around in my head. Pardon me while I release them.




1. As I learned that in communications class, it's always best to start with the positive, so here goes: Even in a landscape of glittering white perfection, your teeth stand out. I also really loved your performance in "Born on the Fourth of July".

2. I know Middle-age is a bitch--especially for people who make their living, at least in part, on their good looks. And I understand; I really do. But standing on chairs? Making inane comments about anti-depressants? There's got to be a better way...

3. Now this Katie Holmes--she looks like a nice girl, and hey, if you're happy, great. But honestly, it's not the first time in human history that anyone's ever fallen in love. It's not even the first time you've--well, we won't get into that. All I'm saying is that all this jumping around has got to stop. We're getting tired of this relationship just watching it. How must Katie feel?

4. I also understand about the need to market a product. Namely your new movie, "War of the Worlds." And not just that, you're marketing yourself, too--the movie star TOM CRUISE, whose inner life may or may not have anything to do with anything you've said and done in public lately. But seriously, I think you should have been a little more polite to Matt Lauer.

5. Hmmm...Marketing a product. Marketing yourself...And the whole world is talking about it...Maybe Tom's a freaking genius after all.